Because invariably, you will sit down next to one of these people on your commute to work.
The Read My Book Guy
You’re engrossed in your book when you notice that the guy next to you is staring a little too intently at the page you’re reading. You flip the page and he follows right along. You shift and try to angle the book differently, but he just moves his head to get a better view.
The iPod Earphone Swinger
The inner ear can become a mighty dirty place, but it’s not something you usually have to worry about in terms of other people, even in close quarters — there is no equivalent of the sneeze with regard to the ear, for example. However, for the commuter, there is a lurking danger, and it can smack you right in the forehead — like the snap of expertly handled nunchucks — before you even see it coming. The instrument of fear, and all too common on the subway these days: iPod earphones (essentially earplugs on the ends of long, gangly cords). Any hipster jackass listening to some "dude, this song changed my life" tune is a potential perpetrator. If he’s being quick and careless, and you have the misfortune of standing right next to him, he may unfurl his grimy earphones so that they swing out way beyond his personal space and hit YOU, God forbid they actually go near your mouth or into an eye. Like anyone ever really cleans their ears out, they certainly aren’t wiping down their earphones. His ear muck. On you. It’s all over in a flash. Nothing to do but stew the entire ride to work. Oh yeah, it’s going to be a great fuckin’ day.
The Start A Conversation Guy
The guy next to you asks you the time. You look at your watch and tell him the time. He then asks if it’s Tuesday or Wednesday, explaining that he’s had a rough week. You tell him it’s Tuesday, and pull out a magazine. He misses the signal and asks if you know of any good places to eat in Midtown, because he’s got some time to kill. You shake your head no, but he says that’s okay, maybe he’ll just grab a cup of coffee, because he isn’t really that hungry anyway. Then he starts telling you about how little sleep he had the night before. And so on and so forth.
The I Don’t Know Where I’m Going Guy
You’re trying to mind your own business, lost in your own disgruntled thoughts about having to get to work, and the guy next to you tells you he’s trying to get to a station that’s in the opposite direction on a different train line. He’s got Cleveland, Ohio, written all over him, and now you’ve got to try and explain that he’s on the wrong train going the wrong way, and that he needs to head back the other way, get off at a transfer point, and find his way to a completely different train line going the other direction.
The Grab Your Breast Guy
The guy next to you seems to be nudging at your shoulder, his hands tucked under his arms. All of the sudden you feel a hand squeezing your breast, and you scream. The pervert quickly gets up and walks away. You feel violated and embarrassed that you screamed, but no one on the train seems to know how to react.
The Angry Guy
The train stops in between stations, or is held at a station, and the guy next to you just can’t take it. He starts breathing in and out with exaggerated heaviness, then he starts to mumble, finally working himself up to the point where every other word is a swear word.
The Are You Looking At My Girlfriend Guy
The guy sitting next to you suddenly asks another passenger across the aisle if he is looking at his girlfriend. The guy across the way says "no," and adds "Fuck Off." The guy sitting next to you then says, "What did you just say to me?" and the guy across the way says "Fuck off" even louder than before, and adds "You stupid motherfucker." People in the area start getting up and moving to the other end of the train. The girlfriend starts saying, "Calm down. Let’s just get off the train," but her boyfriend can’t hear her because he’s in the midst of a volley of escalating "Fuck yous."
The Insane Guy
You know he’s not quite right, and you hope he doesn’t take the empty seat next to you, but of course he does. He’s babbling and cramping everyone’s space even though he’s sitting down next to you. He starts commenting on how the train is jam packed. "We sure are packed in here like cattle. Boy, I wish I had me a meat cleaver, and this was a cattle car, because then I could make me some goooood money."
The Passing Gas Guy
All is peaceful and calm, and you’re suddenly overtaken by the smell of a fart. The guy next to you looks a little too focused on his reading material, giving himself away by acting as if he has no idea that there’s a horrible stench infecting the surrounding area.
Read Part II here.
{ 2 comments }
Hilarious, thanks!
Oh, c’mon Jeff! Cleveland does have a train system you know. The I Don’t Know Where I’m Going Guy probably wouldn’t be from Cleveland. Maybe Akron.