After I graduated from college, my parents suggested that I try and become the Wiener Mobile boy.

“Jeff, you’ll meet all kinds of people, see the country. Think of the contacts you’ll make.”

My reply: “I’m not driving around in a giant hot dog.”

They had recently seen a feature on one of the driver’s of Oscar Mayer’s Wiener Mobile. His job: promote Oscar Mayer’s meat by trekking around the country in a giant hot dog and doing good deeds.

I had no problems with the promotions aspect of the job, nor with the doing good deeds stipulation. I simply couldn’t get past the vessel in which I would carry out my mission. I should also mention that I hadn’t eaten a hot dog since my little league days.

To be fair, I’ll admit that my parents started out like all mothers and fathers, giving me insight into the professional world (“stock brokers make a lot of money!”) and occasionally giving me inside information on possible jobs (“Bill, our insurance agent, said there’s an opening in his office.”) Wiener boy fever didn’t start for my parents until after I told them that one, I was not going to apply to law school, and two, I had no career-oriented job lined up a full month after graduation.

Of course I had a job. And of course I wasn’t calling up Mommy and Daddy and asking them for money. My parents were simply doing what parents do: fulfilling their roles as constant career advisors.

Things took a major turn for the worse when the unthinkable occurred: my parents met the Wiener Mobile boy, in all his future senator glory. In what seemed to be like direct orchestration on the part of the old testament God, my parents, on their annual visit to see me, ended up staying at the very same hotel where the Wiener Mobile boy decided to pull over and park his giant hot dog.

My parents made sure to call me right away. “Get over here. We’ve got a surprise for you,” my mom directed with suspicious excitement.

I saw the damn hot dog before I even turned into the hotel parking lot. “Great,” I said to myself, “just great.”

Having parked as far away from the mobile dog as I could, I was almost at the hotel lobby entrance when I heard my mom’s anxious call: “Jeff! Jeff, we’re over here.” I turned to see my parents standing in front of the Wiener Mobile with a well-dressed, squeaky-clean white boy smiling at me like we were long lost brothers.

Of course he was a nice guy, the Wiener Mobile boy. That was his job: to be nice. He was quick to tell us he had just helped some flood victims by handing out food and blankets. He was even quicker in telling us that it’s his job to do such niceties. I wanted to vomit. My parents wanted to take this guy home and call him son.

After a tour of the Wiener Mobile, and some more small talk, the Wiener Mobile boy got in his dog and drove away. Like the lone ranger and his silver bullets, the Wiener Mobile boy gave us a Wiener Mobile whistle. He was riding off into the sunset, surely smiling at the gawking faces from passing cars. I walked off with my tail between legs. I knew what was coming.

“That kid sure was nice,” my mom said longingly to my dad. And then, to me, “If you get it together, maybe you could be the next Wiener Mobile boy.”

This story originally appeared years ago in the first Working For The Man zine I published.

NOTE: This is another work-related experiment, something to do with your co-workers (from the Working For The Man book):

Why does office coffee leave such a bad taste in your mouth — a taste, which, of course, lasts for hours and takes a tooth brushing and five pieces of gum to fully get rid of? No doubt most of it has to do with the cheap ass coffee your company stocks the pantry with, as well as the old and abused and rarely cleaned machinery. But the human factor cannot be excluded. After all, your co-workers, the same people you regularly witness working at half-speed and churning out half-assed work, are the ones making the stuff.

Create a win-win for everyone in the office by holding a Best Cup of Coffee Contest. Assign each participant a morning of the week, and on their designated morning, participants are responsible for brewing the coffee — they can bring in their own coffee, or try to work magic with the coffee provided by the company. Offer up a rating system:

"Damn good cup of coffee" being a high rating, "Thanks for the all day bad breath" the lowest. Given that their name is tied to a specific morning’s pot of coffee, and no one wants to be associated in any way with bad breath, your co-workers will truly be inspired to achieve that "Damn good cup of coffee" level.

NOTE: This is a work-related experiment, something to do with your co-workers (from the Working For The Man book):

It is absurd how many emails one gets in the course of a day. 100 emails before lunch is not unusual. If you go on vacation for a week, you can come back to thousands of unread messages. Add in the spam, and the number goes up exponentially. The efficiency of instant communication has created a hulking and unstoppable monster of inefficiency.

Put together a competition to see who gets the most emails in a day (or week). It doesn’t really matter who wins — the winner could either get free drinks at the nearby pub or a booby prize. The more interesting thing will be each person revealing how many emails they get each day. Though the ridiculousness of the numbers will just confirm what everybody already knows — that we all get too many emails — the individual tabulations, not to mention the collective number, will still blow everyone away. If only you got an extra day of vacation for every 100 emails received…

The above is Working For The Man video #5, inspired by the Working For The Man book. That’s the awesome Jaime Mendola nailing the brain-numbing experience of that all-too common "brainstorming" meeting. Jessica Reed did the excellent camera work, and the masterful editing was done by Kevin Leslie.

Here are some more tips on how NOT to run a meeting. These are things you don’t want to do:

Show up late to a meeting which is primarily being held to update you, so that everyone has to back up and repeat what they’ve already gone over.

Open up the meeting by saying, "I didn’t prepare anything, I just wanted to get everyone together."

Collate and staple your handouts after the appointed meeting start-time, and everyone has already arrived.

Let the same person keep speaking up and dominating every new topic of discussion.

Explain that you ran out of time and didn’t have a chance to place a food order, so the lunch promised in the meeting invite will not be served.

Announce that your stomach just growled, and then keep asking if anyone else heard it.

Open up the meeting for discussion so that everyone starts talking at once and you have to shout, "Shhhhhh. Shhhhhh. Shhhhhh. One at a time, please. Shhhhhh."

Say how tired you are, again and again and again.

Tell everyone if people don’t get their shit together, "We’ll all be out of a job."

Explain that it’s the cold medicine you are taking that is the reason you aren’t making any sense.

Let incoming calls and messages on your Blackberry or phone keep announcing themselves with audible vibration.

Lay out a puzzle on the conference room table and explain that you want to show everyone how fun it can be to work together.

Apologize (over and over and over again) for not being able to get the slide projector working.

Engage someone directly, and then immediately look down at your Blackberry and finger a message when they start speaking.

Berate someone who brings up an idea that has already been brought up.

Say you ran out of time and that is why your Powerpoint presentation sucks and does not include the most recent data.

Excitedly discuss your recent vacation, or blather on and on about how your recent vacation was ruined.

Frantically mouth direction to your assistant while others are talking.

Continue to ask for ideas (over and over again) well past the appointed end-time for the meeting.

More Working For The Man videos here. More on the Working For The Man book here.

The Nerdy Guy in the office vs. The Office Hottie — Working For The Man video #4.

Yes folks, that’s me as "The Nerdy Guy." Sad to say it, but I was a perfect fit for the role. And true to the maxim, the star who graces the video with her hotness is very much attached. Thanks again to Jessica Reed for the outstanding camera work and to Kevin Leslie for the excellent editing.

The message you broadcast when you casually walk through the office flipping the pages of a magazine.

Credits — Star of the video and clearly a good sport: Peter Horan. Jessica Reed on the camera. Masterful editing by Kevin Leslie.

Jason Boog runs an excellent blog on books and publishing, and he’s been kind enough to include me in not one, but two Five Easy Questions features, a very cool Q & A series on his site that is inspired by "Jack Nicholson’s mad piano player" (from the movie Five Easy Pieces).

Here are links to the five pieces/questions & answers:

1. The Charles Bukowski Book Club: How To Pitch A Humor Book

2. Jeffrey Yamaguchi Explains How To Write A Funny Character (note: this blog post title is way too generous…)

3. How To Outline A Humorous Book: Jeffrey Yamaguchi Breaks It Down (note: again, this blog post title is way too generous…)

4. The Andy Warhol Dr. Seuss Clown Cubicle: How To Revise Your Humorous Book

5. "You can literally spend all your time stewing in your own misery": Jeffrey Yamaguchi Explains How To Write Your Book At The Dayjob (note: this blog post title pretty spot-on.)

Congratulations to the winners of the Working For The Man contest at Indie Fixx. Thanks to Jen at Indie Fixx for running the contest, and of course a big thanks also to everyone who entered.

Top prize goes to Kristin (comment 30) — for doing art in her cube with paper that would otherwise be wasted, and for sharing the hilarious story of her costume from one of my all time favorite movies, ever — Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory ("We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dream." / "So shines a good deed in a weary world.")

Second place: CD Cook (comment 8) — for making such a heartfelt gift for a good friend that could use some cheering up.

And third place: Karrah (comment 22) — for the sheer magnitude of mapping out and possibly taking on the challenge of making a bulldozer cozy — now that would be one for the books, or blogs, and what a sight it would be to see in person.

Gray Hunter reviews Working For The Man for Blogcritics. It’s a constructively critical look at the book, pointing out some of the good, and some of the bad. I dug it.

After you say this particular wrong thing, well, there’s just nothing left to say or do. Ever. An apology just won’t cut it. Inspired by the Working For The Man book.

This video stars the amazing Jaime Mendola and Liz Hanslik. Special thanks to Jessica Reed (for the excellent camera work) and Kevin Leslie (for the masterful editing).